Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
