I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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