Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My breasts were aching with rage.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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