I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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