I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think i have two assholes
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
