She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize