cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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