she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
