I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
