I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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