you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
