A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
