If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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