how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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