you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Randomize
