how can u be prego again
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
