So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
