I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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