EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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