I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
