I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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