i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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