We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
