I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
