We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
