Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
