I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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