So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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