while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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