It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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