I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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