Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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