He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
