Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
