oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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