I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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