yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
