the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
that's an acceptable place to lick
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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