Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
