dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
