he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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