i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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