Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
well you can't waste a boner
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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