who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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