I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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