My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
