Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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