you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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