My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
