We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
