I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
