he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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