I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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