R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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