this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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