Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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