70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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