I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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