Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
