There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
