I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Semen is not good for contacts.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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