6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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